Under the headline ‘The Old Testament’s made-up camels are a problem for Zionism’, The Guardian’s Andrew Brown once again gets the hump with Israel. Eagerly alighting on a piece of research by two Israeli professors appearing to show that camels were not indigenous to the holy land at the time of the camel-riding Patriarchs of Genesis, Brown decides that the history recounted in the Bible is a huge part of the mythology of modern Zionism. The idea of a promised land, he says, is based on narratives that assert with complete confidence stories that never actually happened.
It’s a jolly good thing that the only decent use for The Guardian newspaper is as toilet paper, for Brown’s argument is just one steaming hot turd of vindictiveness (which is rather appropriate, given that most turds are brown in colour). He conveniently neglects to mention the Christian and Muslim narratives. The former trace the ancestry of Jesus to the Patriarchs through Judah. The Arabs trace their ancestry back to the Patriarchs through Ishmael. Meanwhile, some Palestinians have recently adopted Canaanite, and even pre-Canaanite, heritage. So where do they know all this ancestry? Er, isn’t it the Bible? But the good old Guardian’s only question is the credibility of the Zionist narrative.
I humbly suggest that in the true spirit of the British foreign office, Brown dons Lawrence of Arabia’s flowing white robes, hops aboard a Dromedary and high tails it across the Empty Quarter of Saudi Arabia’s An Nafud. I sincerely hope he doesn’t get taken short, because brown stains aren’t too becoming, even for a wannabe Bedouin. Although I’m sure the camels won’t mind. If any animal appreciates the virtues of a good dump, it’s the camel.