My Mideast Punchlines: roll up, roll up, welcome to the Wall of Death….

The Islamic State is preparing to wage war on Iran in order to obtain the secrets of its nuclear program, according to a manifesto attributed to a member of the Islamic State war cabinet uncovered by the Sunday Times.

Western security officials believe the document to be authentic.

According to the document uncovered by the British newspaper, ISIS intends to obtain Iran’s nuclear secrets through Russia. The organization will offer Russia access to Iraqi gas fields it seized in the Anbar area in return for Moscow cutting its ties with Tehran and passing on Iran’s nuclear know-how to ISIS, including how to make workable centrifuges.

Meanwhile, David Cameron has signalled he is ready to dispatch Special Forces into Syria if it will bring Islamist executioner ‘Jihadi John’ to justice.

The Prime Minister made clear he would not necessarily wait for MPs’ approval before giving the order – if there was a chance of catching the masked killer with the British accent who appears in IS beheading videos.

Small FistWell, whaddya know, another manifesto, this time put out by IS. Suffice it to say that we all know how political parties adhere to the promises in their manifestos. So I wouldn’t lose much sleep over IS’s aims. And while we’re talking about centrifuges, I’m thinking of inviting Jihadi John (if we capture him) to participate in a display that used to thrill me at the fairground in Southend. It was called The Wall of Death, and motorcyclists used to whirl round and round, kept in place by centrifugal force. So here’s how it goes: we construct a special remotely-controlled automatic motorbike, and then place Jihadi John, blindfolded and his hands tied behind his back, on the pinion. Knives will be protruding at neck height around the interior wall. The bike will start slowly. We’ll then increase the speed incrementally. Spectators will be encouraged to shout, “Duck!” at the appropriate moments (after all, it’s not cricket not to give a man a sporting chance). The rest I leave to your imagination. Hmm, I might even sell the rights. It’d make a great Japanese game show. Or maybe I’m getting ahead of myself.

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