My Mideast Punchlines: stick this in your hookah…

Iran’s youth will witness the demise of Israel and American civilization, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said on Wednesday in comments published on his official website.

“You young people should be assured that you will witness the demise of the enemies of humanity, meaning the degenerate American civilization, and the demise of Israel,” Khamenei said in a meeting with students.

He gave no further details.

So here’s my rebuff to the arrogant Ayatollah: the demise you surmise comes as no surprise to those who are wise to the size of your lies. Stick that in your hookah and smoke it!

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My Mideast Punchlines: the most useful of idiots…

The Hamas terror group on Thursday thanked UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn for his solidarity in recognizing Palestinian mourning over the 71st anniversary of the formation of the State of Israel.

Corbyn in a written statement had backed a Nakba Day march held in London on Saturday. The annual commemoration and protest marks the “disaster” of Arab displacement during Israel’s War of Independence.

Hamas said the Labour leader expressed “support and solidarity with the Palestinian people and their inalienable rights to freedom, independence and self-determination.”

The terror group also praised him for condemning “the ongoing occupation and its crimes against our people,” and said his statement “reflects an advanced moral and political position worthy of all praise and thanks.”

Of course, this is the response Hamas should have made: “Thank you so much, Mr Corbyn. Of all the useful idiots who have chosen to support our cause, you are the most useful, as well as being the most idiotic. Frankly, we would be nowhere without contributions from you and others who are ignorant of the Islamic doctrinal practice of takiyyah (deceiving the infidel). In the unlikely event of us ever becoming civilised, we pledge that when we take over the world, we shall assuredly make you the first martyr to our cause.”

My Mideast Punchlines: who’s for Shreddies?

Israel may look at the new top-secret American “Ninja Bomb” designed to minimize bystander casualties and to take out a single terrorist target by replacing an explosive warhead with knife-like blades.

In the last round of violence between Israel and terrorist groups in the Gaza Strip, the IDF resumed its policy of targeted killings, striking a vehicle carrying 39-year-old Hamed Ahmed Abed Khudari, who the IDF said was in charge of large-scale money transfers from Iran to terrorist groups in the Strip.

First reported by The Wall Street Journal, the American AGM-114R9X missile (dubbed the “Flying Ginsu” or “Ninja Bomb”) is a variant of the Hellfire air-to-ground missile. Unlike the traditional Hellfire, which creates a deadly blast radius when it explodes, the Ninja Bomb doesn’t have an explosive payload. Instead, it deploys six blades moments before striking the target, virtually shredding through anything in its path.

Hamas and Islamic Jihad leaders are on notice. They may be serial rather than cereal miscreants, but they are still likely to end up as “Shreddies”.

My Mideast Punchlines: hitting the head…

A senior Iranian Revolutionary Guards commander said on Sunday the US military presence in the Gulf used to be a serious threat but now represented a target, the Iranian Students’ News Agency (ISNA) reported.

The U.S. military has sent forces, including an aircraft carrier and B-52 bombers, to the Middle East in a move U.S. officials said was to counter “clear indications” of threats from Iran to its forces in the region.

“An aircraft carrier that has at least 40 to 50 planes on it and 6,000 forces gathered within it was a serious threat for us in the past but now it is a target and the threats have switched to opportunities,” said Amirali Hajizadeh, head of the Guards’ aerospace division.

“If (the Americans) make a move we will hit them in the head,” he added, according to ISNA.

If you’re a Yank, that final threat may elicit a giggle, for the toilets on American naval ships are called the “head”. And they all have odour extractors, so it’s fair to say that should the Iranians dare to attack, the shit will really hit the fan.

 

My Mideast Punchlines: cooking the books…

Qatar plans to transfer $480 million to Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza to alleviate the economic crisis in both areas, the country’s Foreign Ministry announced on Tuesday.

Some $300 million in grants and loans will be given toward the Palestinian Authority’s budget for health and education. The remaining $180 million is earmarked for UN programs and to help provide electricity for Gaza.

The funds, provided on orders of the Qatari Emir Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani, do not appear to include direct cash for Hamas or the people in Gaza, such as Qatar has provided in the past.

The accountants of the kleptocratic leadership of the PA and Hamas must be rubbing their hands with glee. All that moolah, and none it going to the ordinary Palestinian. Of course, there will be “safeguards” put in place to make sure the cash ends up in the right hands, i.e. the grasping right hands of those who already have bulging offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands. Accountants there may be, but accountability there ain’t.

My Mideast Punchlines: slug-fest….

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Monday commented on reports of an Egyptian-brokered ceasefire deal in Gaza, after two days of fighting in which four Israelis were killed, saying that Israel was readying for further confrontations with terrorist groups in the coastal enclave.

“Over the past two days, we have hit Hamas and Islamic Jihad with great force, attacking over 350 targets and terrorist leaders and activists, and destroying terrorist infrastructure,” Netanyahu said in a statement.

Israel and Hamas are like two punch-drunk fighters trading blows that both sides know will not end the fight. However, there’s nothing quite like targeted assassinations to concentrate the mind. With a missile strike on the car of Hamed Hamdan al-Khodari, who funneled Iranian money to Palestinian terror groups in the Gaza Strip, Israel made it clear that none of the terror leaders is safe. And in the immortal words of Dad’s Army’s Lance-Corporal Jones, “they don’t like it up ’em.” Meanwhile, that’s not stopping anyone from preparing for the next bout of this eternal slug-fest.

My Mideast Punchlines: by way of deception…

The New York Times has come to the defence of the Muslim Brotherhood in the wake of the news that the Trump Administration was planning to designate the group as a terrorist organization.

In a breathtakingly disingenuous article, the Times omits fact after fact in its claim the Brotherhood is a “missionary” group that eschewed violence for decades.

Clarion Project documents the decades of violent activities by the Brotherhood, both inside and outside Egypt (where it originated) and in America, where one of its groups was convicted in the largest terror-financing case in U.S. history.

On July 8, 2013, while Obama was president, then White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said, “We also condemn the explicit calls to violence made by the Muslim Brotherhood.”

Yet in 2014, the Obama administration rejected a request to designate the organization as a terrorist group, claiming the group was non-violent. “We have not seen credible evidence that the Muslim Brotherhood has renounced its decades-long commitment to non-violence,” the White House said.

Well, what could you have expected from Dumb (Obama) and Dumber (Kerry)? The facts speak for themselves, which is why the New York Times is now probably the greatest purveyor of fake news in the world. It gets everything wrong, from publishing sickening antisemitic cartoons to backing the most obvious falsehoods when it comes to Israel. You simply can no longer believe anything you read in “the paper of record”. Takkiyah (dissemblance) maybe the Arab art of deception, but the liberals at the Times are catching on fast. God help us all if the NYT’s backers, the Democratic Party, return to power.

My Mideast Punchlines: pass the stones…

The Islamic Republic of Iran’s centre in Vienna, Austria announced in a lethal homophobic video on YouTube that homosexuality spells the end of humanity.

The Centre of Islamic Culture Imam Ali’s video targets children and is part of a series that launches attacks on liberal, western values and societies. The Austrian paper Kurier reported the video was deleted on Friday after being online for three months.

“About two thirds of the community will no longer exist in the future because there is no offspring,” the Islamic Centre’s spokesman said, adding that only a “naturally founded family ” can  “become rich in children .”

Hmm, so two-thirds of the community will no longer exist, eh? Must be a helluva lot of single-sex carnality going on in Iran, then, as “normal” sex is forbidden before marriage. Let’s see, that’s 26 million male Iranians practising the love that dare not speak its name. By attacking the West, the Islamic Centre seems to be speaking out of its forbidden orifice. Pass the stones, someone.

My Mideast Punchlines: holiday stress…

The rate of people filing for divorce within two weeks of the Passover holiday is three times as high as during the rest of the year, according to Ronit Sharon, manager of the Talia Center for Children and Parents and a lecturer at the Hebrew University.

She said that this statistic is true for the Beit Din rabbinical court and the secular divorce system, and is only equivalent around the Rosh Hashanah holiday.

The reason for this rise in divorces is the number of stresses that surface around the holidays, Sharon explained. For example, there could be a question of where a family will hold its Seder, sensitivity around relationships with extended family, too much to do and greater financial demands. “Don’t make impulsive decisions on ending a connection during the holidays. Persevere until afterwards and then look at the situation with a new perspective.”

I’m stressing out already. But you all know what the best advice is — yes, just let it all, er, pass over. Meanwhile, hag sameach (happy holiday) to everyone.

My Mideast Punchlines: odious Omar…

Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions founder Omar Barghouti has expressed dismay and confusion over his entry into the United States being refused.

In an op-ed to the UK newspaper The Guardian, Barghouti claimed that “Israel appears to have once again enlisted the Trump administration to do its bidding.”

He claimed in the piece that with his “denial of entry, Israel appears to have once again enlisted the Trump administration to do its bidding, this time to repress Palestinian, Israeli and international human rights defenders,” he wrote. “They wish to deny lawmakers, journalists and ordinary Americans their right to listen first-hand to a Palestinian human rights advocate calling for ending US complicity in Israel’s crimes against our people.”

Odious Omar can easily overturn the ban and help his people — by becoming a Zionist! Let’s face it, Israel has done more for the Palestinians than a myriad of Arab countries, where they are despised, even hated. And just ask the thousands of Palestinians who work in Israel to provide for their families and, to boot, receive wages that far outstrip what they would receive in the territories. Basically, Barghouti and the useful idiots in the West who support him are far greater enemies of ordinary Palestinians than Israel.