My Mideast Punchlines: pass the spitoon…

At the UN, Palestinian President Abbas said he wants a peaceful two state solution. But last month he told the Palestinian people the exact opposite, saying of Israel, “This is our country.” And what did the media say about this contradiction? Nothing.

biffSnakes have certain characteristics, such as forked tongues, oleaginous bodies and a propensity to spit venom. Remind you of anyone?


My Mideast Punchlines: ha’mevin yavin….

Palestinian President Abbas addressed the UN Security Council, calling for a peace conference to establish a two state solution based on 1967 borders.

The media made no mention of the critical context: that when speaking to a Palestinian audience, Abbas frequently says the opposite. For example,  in his speech of January 14 (just last month)  Abbas stood in front of a map of Israel and said, “This is our country,” stated that Jews have no connection to the land of Israel or to Jerusalem, referred the entirety of Israel as “Palestine” six separate times, and discussed the “occupation”…of 1948 (the year of Israel’s independence).

The biggest shocker at the UN was Abbas’s claim, “We are the descendants of the Canaanites that lived in the land of Palestine 5,000 years ago and continuously remained there to this day.” This claim is not supported by modern scholarship, and actually contradicts the Koran.

biffWhy stop there, Mr Abbas? Why not claim that the Palestinians are the lost descendants of the Neanderthals? However, the most disturbing thing about his rantings is that the world didn’t blink an eye. On the other hand, maybe it’s just a classic case of the throwaway Hebrew expression ha’mevin yavin, he who gets it (his imbecilic drivel) will understand,.

My Mideast Punchlines: plus ça change…

Norway’s left-wing Red Party has nominated the pro-Palestinian Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Writing in the Jerusalem Post, the proposing Norwegian MP Bjornar Moxnes says that the BDS movement is not an “anti-peace movement.” ‘

‘On the contrary, BDS is crystal clear in its support for strictly peaceful methods. Its objective, that the Palestinians enjoy the same rights everyone else is entitled to according to international law and universal human rights, is also clearly in line with international law and basic universal human rights.’

He adds: ‘As the Israeli government again is using deadly force against Gaza, it is our hope that our nomination can be a small contribution to move a difficult conflict away from the military sphere and into the sphere of politics, international justice, debate and dialogue.’

Moxnes said the Red Party  ‘is consistently opposed to any kind of colonialism’.

biffSo there you have it. It’s still colonialism even though Israel evacuated the Gaza Strip in 2005. Also, no mention of the rocket fire and other attacks that precede Israel’s use of “deadly force”.  Lenin, the founding father of all that Mr Moxnes holds dear, is said to have invented a term for people such as the Norwegian MP —  useful idiots. For the Soviets, it was usually a citizen of a non-communist country sympathetic to the Soviet Union who is susceptible to propaganda and is cynically misused. Replace non-communist with Arab and Soviet Union with Palestine and Lenin’s term makes eminent sense when applied to Mr Moxnes. Plus ça change.

My Mideast Punchlines: the fix was in….

The global wrestling organization has banned an Iranian athlete for six months after he threw a match to avoid facing an Israeli, according to the BBC. The United World Wrestling Disciplinary Chamber announced the decision on Friday.

Alireza Karimachiani was competing against Russian Alikhan Zhabrilov in the under 23 competition in November last year. He had been winning when his coach ordered him to lose. If he had won the match, he would have competed against an Israeli in the next round.

Karimachiani has now been banned for six months. His coach, Hamidreza Jamshidi, was banned until November 2019. Iran intends to protest the ban.

biffOh dear, the absurd lengths that some countries will go to in order to avoid facing Israelis. Frightened of losing to a representative of the Zionist entity, maybe? Imagine if Israel had qualified for the World Cup and were drawn in the same group as Iran. Now, that would really have presented the Iranians with a problem to wrestle with.

My Mideast Punchlines: you before me…

Hamas is condemning a U.S. bill that sanctions the Islamic militant group for using civilians in Gaza as “human shields.”

The House unanimously passed the Hamas Human Shields Prevention Act on Wednesday. Hamas spokesman Fawzi Barhoum says Thursday that the bill sides with “the Israeli narrative.”

biffQuite right, Fawzi, habibi. And what is the Israeli narrative? Well, Israel maintains that  deliberately placing one’s civilian population in harm’s way in order to score propaganda points against an enemy is both immoral and a war crime. However, since Hamas leaders are both amoral and incapable of introspection, don’t expect any change in their loathsome “you before me” habits.

My Mideast Punchlines: pure bunkum…

A former high-ranking Iranian military leader recently claimed that Israel used lizard spies that “attract atomic waves” in order to identify the location of Iranian uranium mines.

The remarks, by Hassan Firuzabadi, a military advisor to supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, were made in response to the recent arrest of local environmentalists, The Times of Israel reported. Though he didn’t discuss the current case, he cited a past instance when suspicious individuals carrying reptiles such as chameleons were apprehended trying to enter the country.

“We found out that their skin attracts atomic waves and that they were nuclear spies who wanted to find out where inside the Islamic Republic of Iran we have uranium mines and where we are engaged in atomic activities,” Firuzabadi told the Iranian Labour News Agency.

“This is pure and simple BUNK,” Eric Pianka, a zoology professor at the University of Texas at Austin (who sometimes goes by the name The Lizard Man), wrote in an email to Live Science.

biffYes, lizards! Do you still think the regime isn’t crazy enough to use nuclear weapons if it had them?

My Mideast Punchlines: Fake? It’s all in the algorithms…

If fake news doesn’t keep you up at night, fake information might. Aviv Ovadya, chief technologist at the Center for Social Media Responsibility, warns that an “information apocalypse” — a new level of misinformation and deception that makes fake news seem like child’s play. Buzzfeed caught up with Ovadya.

Technologies that can be used to enhance and distort what is real are evolving faster than our ability to understand and control or mitigate it. The stakes are high and the possible consequences more disastrous than foreign meddling in an election — an undermining or upending of core civilisational institutions, an “infocalypse.” And Ovadya says that this one is just as plausible as the last one — and worse . . .

biffWell, here’s my two-pennyworth of fake info: Israel is surrounded by misogynistic psychopaths masquerading as holy men. Er, sorry, er, that’s not fake info. Hmm, I must have used the wrong algorithm.

My Mideast Punchlines: dummies, one and all…

Israel detained and subsequently repatriated a mentally unstable Lebanese man who crossed the border. The Jerusalem Post reports:

The man claimed he had been sent by two Hezbollah operatives, Mahadi and Ali Shahror, who reportedly threatened him with forced mental hospitalization.

The suspect, who was caught close to where he crossed into Israel, was under close surveillance by troops since he approached the fence.

According to subsequent reports, the Lebanese man, identified as Ali Mari, previously crossed into Israel on his volition 10 months ago.

biffWell, we’ve all seen those self-help books such as Windows for Dummies, Photoshop for Dummies, Hacking for Dummies and even Allotment Gardening for Dummies. Now those nice folks in Hezbollah have come up with their own addition to the series: Spying for Dummies. Literally.

My Mideast Punchlines: looking the other way…

Work is underway on a concrete wall along the Israeli-Lebanese border to protect from Hezbollah infiltration. Priority is being given to Israeli towns and kibbutzim. Ynet visited Rosh HaNikra, where initial work has already begun.

The main goal of the wall is to prevent Hezbollah’s elite “Radwan” force from infiltrating Israel during a conflict, and trying to capture an Israeli town or military outpost, an act that would deal a severe blow to Israeli morale and a boost for the terrorist group.

For their part, a UNIFIL spokesman said Wednesday that Israel had begun work south of the border line and added that the UN organization was closely monitoring the events. The spokesman, quoted in Lebanese media, said that UNIFIL was maintaining contact with officials on both sides of the border in order to solve the matter (Lebanese objections) and prevent unnecessary tension or deterioration.

biffUNIFIL has been in the pockets of Hezbollah for decades. Currently, it’s looking the other way while Nasrallah’s mob construct terror tunnels. No coincidence then that the first two letters of underground are UN.