My Mideast Punchlines: it’s all a game…

The Mayfair Hotel in London has refused a request by the Palestinian Authority to screen a movie called “Marwan: A film about the life and struggle of Marwan Barghouti.” Barghouti, who is serving five life sentences in an Israeli prison for terrorism and murder, is also a co-founder and leader of the the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, an internationally recognised terror organisation that targets Israeli civilians for violent attacks. The PA government had requested the screening to take place on Yom Hashoah, Israel’s Holocaust Remembrance Day. In case you didn’t know the meaning of the Yiddish word “chutzpa,” this is pretty much it.

How apt that the film should be banned in Mayfair, one of the most expensive destinations on a Monopoly board. Barghouti, of course, knows all about that board-game classic. He landed on ‘Go to Jail’! Unfortunately, while the card says, ‘do not pass go; do not collect £200’, Barghouti’s family still continue to collect his massive stipend from the PA for being a convicted murderer.

My Mideast Punchlines: death tax….

The Palestinian terrorist accused of killing a British student last week will be paid £800 ($1000) per month by the Palestinian government. To put this in perspective: an average Palestinian worker earns about $450 per month, which means that in reward for one day of terror, Hannah Bladon’s murderer will receive more than double a typical full time Palestinian salary, every month for the rest of his life…or at least until the world finally puts a stop to this practice.

The Palestinian Authority government, in defiance of international pressure, is actually increasing its budget for salaries to terrorists.

Nice work if you can get it. So typical of the moral bankruptcy of the Palestinians, and so typical of the west to have turned a blind eye to this travesty for decades. Indeed, it is our taxes that have been used to support the PA in its nefarious policies. Just don’t expect the BBC or The Guardian to care one jot. And, of course, the disgraced Ken Livingstone will continue bleating that these are desperate youths who have no other outlet for their frustrations. And that it’s all Israel’s fault.

My Mideast Punchlines: Spot on, Mr Bumble!

As Palestinian prisoners go on a hunger strike for better conditions, they must be the envy of their peers in other parts of the world. I doubt there are any other terrorists in the world, in France or in the United States, with such amazing conditions as those received by the terrorists jailed in Israel’s prisons. The Guantanamo Bay detainees don’t even dream of such conditions, and neither do terrorists jailed in France’s prisons.

Firstly, there are 72 virgins supplied weekly. Sure, their average age is 90, but, hey, when you’re sex-starved, who’s looking? Secondly, state-of-the art mobile phones, so new that Steve Jobs hasn’t even released them to the rest of the world from his heavenly abode. These phones are simply amazing. They have a special button that sets off suicide bomb jackets whenever you factor in the GPS coordinates. Also, the Palestinian inmates love playing with their drones. They’re way ahead of Jeff Bezos and Amazon when it comes to precise delivery of a payload. Why would any terrorist want to be directing operations on the outside? Too dangerous by far. And, last but not least, the food. Ah, the gastronomic delights of cordon bleu cooking a la Yotam Ottolenghi. Hamas humous and Fatah ful. YummyIt’s no wonder I can hear the plaint of Mr Bumble, the parish beadle in Oliver Twist, ringing in my ear: “MOOOORE???!”


My Mideast Punchlines: Naive R Us duo the real culprits…

According to Israeli defence officials, Syria still has up to three tons of chemical weapons. Earlier this month a chemical attack in Syria killed over 80 people in a particularly gruesome manner. Director-general, Ahmet Uzumcu of the international chemical weapons watchdog the “Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons,” said laboratory tests had provided “incontrovertible” evidence that victims and survivors of the April 4 attack in northern Syria were exposed to sarin nerve gas or a similar banned toxin, while Israeli Minister of Defence Avigdor Liberman said that he had “100 percent certainty” that Syrian President Bashar (it wasn’t me, guv!) Assad himself was directly responsible.

In 2014, the United States negotiated the removal of Assad’s chemical weapons supply, culminating with then Secretary of State John Kerry’s announcement:

“With respect to Syria, we struck a deal where we got 100 percent of the chemical weapons out.”

Phew, what a whiff! Not of sarin, which is odourless, but of the rotten-egg smell of lies that emanated from Damascus and pre-Trump Washington. You remember, John Kerry, don’t you? Obama’s lapdog secretary of state. The latter member of the Dumb and Dumber duo. The king of wishful thinkers, Kerry would prefer to believe anyone who was a homicidal tyrant rather than the leader of democratic little Israel. The Naive R Us previous US administration are the real culprits.  They have left Trump and his Republicans to pick up the pieces of a foreign policy whose ineptitude often bordered on the farcical. We live in dangerous times, but the last person you should be blaming is The Donald.

My Mideast Punchlines: Barghouti is no cutey….and this is personal

Following the New York Times‘s erasure of Marwan Barghouti’s terrorist background, The Times of London also engages in sanitising a terrorist in its story on a Palestinian prisoners hunger strike.

The headline describes Barghouti thus: Palestinian Activist Leads Prisoners in Hunger Strike

And, according to the Times:

Barghouti was not sentenced solely for organizing a March 2002 attack on a restaurant, in which three people were murdered. The court also found Barghouti responsible for a June 2001 attack in Maale Adumim, in which a Greek monk was murdered, a January 2002 terror attack on a gas station in Givat Ze’ev, and a car bomb attack in Jerusalem. In addition, he was also convicted of a charge of attempted murder, membership in a terror organisation and conspiring to commit a crime.

Now, I must confess to having a particular interest in murderer Barghouti being made to rot in prison for the rest of his miserable life. That Tel Aviv restaurant attack above: Well, my nephew and his wife were there. They dived under their table and were lucky to survive. No, The Times and the NY Times, Marwan Barghouti is certainly no cutey. He deserves neither approbation nor sanitation. Execution, though, might be a splendid idea.

My Mideast Punchlines: speared….

Israel’s Labour Party has postponed its leadership election. In protest at the Syrian gas attack? Fury at a remark by Ken Livingstone about Hitler? No, it clashes with a Britney Spears concert.

We must applaud the Israeli people for making it clear that a music fest with Britney must take precedence over any yawn-inducing socialist internecine hate fest. The plain fact is that Labour politics in Israel has bored the general populace to tears for decades.  Labour has no leader worthy of the name in the holy land, just as Labour continues to wallow in the mire of the Corbynistas in the United Kingdom. Wherever you look, and Venezuela is a prime example, Socialism brings the people to its knees, not because of its theories, but because of those who espouse them. Once in power, they make haste in demonstrating that they couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery.

My Mideast Punchlines: going down a bomb (2)…

Palestinian security prisoners in Israeli jail have threatened a hunger strike. Hailing from both Fatah and Hamas parties, the prisoners, led by Marwan Barghouti, issued 13 demands to security officials: including access to phones and easing restrictions on family visits.

Mobile phones have become a key method of connecting the operational requirements of those planning attacks with the experience possessed by those behind bars.

There are some who would advocate supplying the prisoners with  phones, but with the proviso that they be of the exploding variety. It’s sure to go down a bomb on both sides. One side will claim martyrdom, while the other will claim on their insurance.

My Mideast Punchlines: Orwellian….

The UN’s Economic and Social Commission for Western Asia (ESCWA) is at it again: after releasing a report last month declaring Israel an “apartheid regime,” the body is now preparing to release a new report equating Israeli “occupation” to historical American slavery.

The unemployment rate in the Gaza Strip and the West Bank is so high that most Palestinians would give their right arms to be slaves of the Israelis. At least they’d have something to do in return for being fed and watered. And just think of the social benefits an Israeli identity card would give them. Of course, the real slave owners are the leaders of Hamas and the PA, who subjugate their people while lining their own pockets. George Orwell had a nice way of putting it in 1984: ‘War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength’.

My Mideast Punchlines: going down a bomb….

Iran is manufacturing arms inside Lebanon according to Chagai Tzuriel, director- general of the Israeli Intelligence Ministry. If true, it would mean the Iranians and Hezbollah are trying to get around the difficulty of transferring arms over land through Syria to Lebanon by manufacturing them locally instead. Israel reportedly, on a number of occasions, has attacked convoys moving potentially “game-changing” armaments over land through Syria.

Someone ought to remind Hezbollah that sitting targets are easier to hit than moving ones. Under President Trump, the United States is more likely to release its gigantic bunker busting bombs to Israel, so not even Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah’s subterranean abode will be safe. If he does eventually get incinerated below ground,  it will be a double whammy. Those promised 72 virgins are apparently only available in heaven, which traditionally tends to be above ground. Any which way, his demise is sure to go down a bomb (British for  ‘well received’).

My Mideast Punchlines: demolition derby….

According to an Associated Press article focused on other examples of vehicle attacks around the world, the London attack “was the latest in a string of incidents in which drivers used their vehicles as weapons.”

The AP then goes on to describe the following incidents:

  • January 2017 – Melbourne, Australia
  • December 2016 – Berlin, Germany
  • July 2016 – Nice, France
  • December 2014 – Dijon and Nantes, France
  • October 2014 – Montreal, Canada
  • June 2007 – Glasgow, Scotland

No prizes for guessing which democratic country is conspicuous by its absence.

As documented by Israel’s Foreign Ministry, Israel has suffered 55 vehicular (ramming) attacks since the beginning of the wave of terror in September 2015.

Which all goes to make me feel ashamed of once being an AP correspondent. Now, if you add in all the suicide bomb vehicular attacks carried out by Arabs (mainly on other Arabs), the victims probably number in the scores of thousands. Those terrorist drivers sure do love a demolition derby.

Update: following complaints, the AP added an incident in Jerusalem in 2017 to the list. What about the other 54 attacks?!